The Painful Words

Jack has this thing now where he HATES that I go to work. He always wants to come with me. He always asks me to take him with. I try to tell him over and over again on how boring work is. It really is no fun to sit at a desk for 8 hours, type on a computer that every day brings you closer to carpal tunnel, and just listen to the background noise of a coworker.

Of course he doesn't see it that way. All he sees is  - Mama gets to take a train every day! Gets to walk around downtown every day! She gets to see the L, maybe have lunch somewhere nice ( I don't) , and gets to type on a computer and watch youtube all day! ( I don't, sometimes I do, but that's not important here)

Thinking this, he hates it when I come home. I am tired, I want to see my kids and play with them and I get this from Jack when I come home

Go away. I don't like you. Go back on the train.

For awhile, I would just chalk it up as he is tired or hungry and that is just hungry cranky Jack coming out. Yesterday his words just stung me. He kept saying it over and over again and his voice just got angrier and angrier. Go away, go away. He would grunt , He gave me a look that said " I do not like you." I kept thinking of what it is that am I doing wrong all this time that he is saying this? What am I not saying to him every day that isn't making him happier? I kept thinking of the stay at home mom friends that I have, that get to be with their kids all day long . They won't hear this in their lives. I never wanted to be a stay at home mom. I want to be the mom that gets to provide for her family money wise and feel good about it. Yet, when I hear this, I feel like the worst mom ever. A horrible mom that works and is never with her kids. I shouldn't, but I do.

Now he doesn't do this all night. He usually snaps out of his funk and will be normal after 15 minutes of doing this. Last night, I felt like it was all I could take of hearing that.

We do night time prayers with Jack and last night I prayed with Jack that he find understanding on why I go to work. As I prayed with him, I cried. That prayer with him last night was my plea to him to stop acting this way. After we said Amen, I said " Please Jack, please don't say those words to me. It makes me sad."
All he said was  "I'm sorry and gave me a hug.", which made me cry even more. I hate crying in front of him but last night I couldn't hold it in any longer. There is only so much that I can hold before I burst.
Hopefully things are better today and everyday.
Exhausting. It's exhausting to be a mom.